How Robin Met Simon Cowell
by Corrupt200
Summary: This story is not meant to slander Simon Cowell. His blunt critiques are hilarious; I'd like him to critique my singing to see where I could improve. Anyway, Robin auditions for American Idol and meets Simon Cowell. During the entire audition, she never realizes that Simon is Alan Thicke's doppelganger and keeps calling him Alan Thicke.
1. Chapter 1

How Robin Met Simon Cowell

Marshall and Lily's Apartment. November 24, 2009.

OLDER TED: Kids I told you the story about how we had encountered doppelgangers for each of us. There was Moustache Marshall around 2002, Lesbian Robin sometime around 2005 or 2006, and Stripper Lily in 2009. My doppelganger and Uncle Barney's were still yet to be discovered. But before that, Aunt Robin, in person, met a doppelganger for a celebrity friend of hers she knew back in Canada: Alan Thicke. On a side note Aunt Lily, Uncle Marshall, Uncle Barney, and I had known about this doppelganger for years. His name was an Englishman named Simon Cowell. This is the story about how Aunt Robin met this guy. It all started at a party Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall threw for Aunt Robin upon her getting sworn in as a US citizen.

LILY: To Robin upon getting sworn in an American citizen.

TED, MARSHALL: To Robin! Cheers!

BARNEY: Finally every one in the gang is an American! Only Robin still cannot run for President, since she wasn't born here! Still cannot understand why you'd still retain citizenship of that backwards nation!

ROBIN: I'm not the only Canadian to have dual citizenship! Jim Carrey does! Michael J. Fox does! Peter Jennings did! Morley Safer does! Pamela Anderson does! They have or had emotional attachments to both here and Canada, and so do I!

TED: Forget Barney! We're all proud of you. [Hugs her]

ROBIN: Thanks guys. Barney, despite your cracks about Canada, thank you for prepping me for that test. Your unorthodox methods were very effective.

BARNEY: Anytime, Robin. I'm proud of you too. [hugs her]

MARSHALL: Hey! American Idol is on!

LILY: Ooh I gotta watch!

TED: Me too!

BARNEY: Oh yes!

ROBIN: Never watched the show.

LILY: You never watched the show! I'm surprised!

TED: Me too.

BARNEY: Four years in this country and you never watched this show?

TED: I could understand you not watching the show when it first premiered since you were still living in Canada.

BARNEY: I cannot even condone her missing the first couple of seasons. She got FOX broadcasting from Seattle, but she still opted to watch CBC! Even if her goal one day was to move to the US of A.

ROBIN: Cut me some slack! I have to focus on my career!

TED: Come join us. I think you'll like this show.

Robin sits down next to Ted.

OLDER TED: We were not watching the auditions but rather the semifinals where the top contenders were singing on stage. So Robin was missing the best part already. I'll fill you in on that later.

15 minutes later.

ROBIN: Their performances sound very amateurish. I can sing way better than these people!

OLDER TED: As you recall, Robin was a teen pop star back in Canada during the 1990s. She hit it big with "Let's Go To The Mall" and later had a minor hit with "Sandcastles in the Sand". [during these we see snippets of her music videos with the intro of "Let's Go To The Mall" playing in the background]

MARSHALL: You really think so, Robin?

ROBIN: Dude! I was a teen popstar in Canada! I had many successful years as a professional singer before I enrolled in McGill.

BARNEY: But you were a Canadian singer!

ROBIN: So are Bryan Adams, Celine Dion, Shania Twain, Neil Young, Alanis Morissette and Gordon Lightfoot!

TED: But unlike them, you never had a hit in the USA! I don't remember hearing "Let's Go To The Mall" on my radio in the 1990s!

LILY: Neither do I.

MARSHALL: Me neither.

BARNEY: Me neither.

ROBIN: Hey! I could have gone international if I wanted to. But I wanted to be a journalist like Peter Jennings or Morley Safer. I'm gonna go on that show. Since Alan Thicke is one of the judges on that show, I'm sure I should have no problem getting on the show. He knows my talents.

MARSHALL: Actually it turns out that there are auditions day after tomorrow. You should give it a shot!

TED: Actually, I agree with Marshall. I'd like to see Robin on American Idol. I think she should go far.

ROBIN: As Barney would say, challenge accepted. I'm gonna go home and prepare for the audition! I'll see you at home Ted! Goodnight fellas! BT Dubs, getting through the front door should be hard. Alan Thicke and I are really close. He knows my talents! [exits]

[A few seconds later]

TED: You think we should have told her?

LILY: Told her what?

TED: That Alan Thicke is not a judge on American Idol?

OLDER TED: Robin didn't notice something that we had known for years…that Alan Thicke was not a judge on the show, but rather his doppelganger, Simon Cowell. And he was the harshest of all the three judges. He thrived on being obnoxious. But I'll get to that later.

Flashback 2002. Marshall and Ted's apartment. Ted, Marshall, Lily, and Barney are seated on the sofa watching American Idol.

TED: That looks like the dad on "Growing Pains"! What's he doing on this show? Does he have any music experience?

MARSHALL: He wrote theme songs to "Diff'rent Strokes" and "The Facts of Life". So he's qualified to be a judge on this show.

SIMON VOICEOVER: That was absolutely dreadful. Where did you learn to sing? The city dump?

LILY: Jason Seaver is so mean to that contestant!

BARNEY: This guy is awesome!

Back to 2009

TED: As a friend I think I should tell her.

LILY: I agree with you Ted.

BARNEY: No you can't! Simon is the best thing about American Idol. His obnoxious comments are bitchin! Robin is a very ambitious woman! Wouldn't it be fun to see how she handles Simon! If she survives his scathing remarks, it will give her a stronger personality. If she doesn't, she'll learn an important fact of life…that she cannot be good at everything! It will give her a lesson in humility! It will be a very positive experience for her. Plus it could boost her career as a TV journalist. She could get a position at ABC, NBC, or CBS!

MARSHALL: It would be fun to see her break down like a little girl. Or get into a fit of rage and assail Simon with a glass of water, or give him the thumb (he did not mean the thumb, he meant another finger). Let's not tell her!

LILY, TED: [not in unison] I am not sure.

MARSHALL: Think about her career as a journalist. Don't you want to see her career skyrocket? This could be the key to her big break!

LILY: I guess. Her success is my happiness. Let's not tell her.

TED: It's still not right, it's a cruel joke. She does not take failure very well.

BARNEY: Ted, [puts arm around his shoulder] I know it seems mean and deceiving right now. But imagine in 2030… all of us watching her audition tape. We'll just laugh like there is no tomorrow. Even Robin will see the humor the whole situation when she's 50 and laugh with us.

TED: Alright let's keep it a secret. Oh, and Lily, please stay away from Robin for the next several day. Marshall, keep watch. Lily could blow cover.

BARNEY: [with evil grin] I cannot wait to see her get humiliated by Simon on national television. It's gonna be legen…wait for it…dary! Legendary!

OLDER TED: I may have exaggerated a little bit, but we were bad. Kids, never pull a prank on Aunt Robin without consulting me.

End of Act 1.


	2. Chapter 2

OLDER TED: Two days later after practicing her audition song, Robin went to Lincoln Center to audition for American Idol. All of us were at work, so we missed the fireworks in person. Actually, it was a good thing in Lily's case, since I was afraid she'd blow cover. So, Robin was really looking forward to meeting Alan Thicke and getting a chance to show her singing talent on the show. Little did she know that she was not meeting Alan, but rather his doppelganger.

Audition Room. We see Kara DioGuardi, Randy Jackson, and Simon Cowell seated behind a table.

OLDER TED: Kids, I hadn't watched her audition video for almost 21 years, so my memory of what the other two hosts said and thought of her is very hazy. This is Robin's account of what happened, and she elaborated more on Simon's remarks

SIMON: Please bring in the next applicant.

Enter Robin.

ROBIN: [with a big smile] Oh my god! Alan Thicke! It's so great to see you! I haven't seen you at the Hoser Hut lately! [runs to hug him]

SIMON: [resisting the hug] Please get off me! Who do think you are?

ROBIN: Alan, don't you recognize me? It's me! Robin Scherbatsky! You made a cameo in my "Sandcastles in the Sand" video! You hosted "Space Teens". I'm your 2nd favorite Robin after your son! Why can't you recognize me? And what's with the accent?

SIMON: I'm not Alan Thicke! My name is Simon Cowell and I am British!

ROBIN: [laughing it off] Haha you are not British! Granted we put the Queen on our money, but you're not British! You're Canadian, like me!

SIMON: I am 100% British! I was born in London and raised in Hertfordshire!

ROBIN: Yeah! London, Ontario!

OLDER TED: Actually, Alan Thicke was born in Hamilton. Robin was being sarcastic.

SIMON: Oh knock it off! [takes a deep breath] So, Robin Charles Scherbatsky, Jr. What kind of woman has junior after her name?

ROBIN: Alan, you know my story! My dad's name is Robin, he wanted a son, and despite his disappointment that I did not come out with a penis, he was determined to raise me like a son. And since 'Robin' with an 'i' functions as both a guy's and a girl's name, he named me after himself.

SIMON: So I see that you are a TV news journalist and anchor. Got you start on a CBC affiliate in Alberta. Formerly of Metro News 1 and currently anchor of "Come On, Get Up New York" on Channel 12. Oh, I see you did a brief stint in Tokyo?

ROBIN: _Hai!_ But you know my story!

SIMON: But the viewers in front of the tellies like to know the history of the contestants.

OLDER TED: During the whole time, Robin refused to believe that this judge was not Alan Thicke, but rather someone who looks like him.

SIMON: So, Miss Scherbatsky, what songs are you going to sing for us?

ROBIN: I am going to sing a song, which happens to be one of you original compositions, Mr. Thicke.

SIMON: Stop calling me Alan Thicke! I am not even Canadian!

OLDER TED: She did not sing "Let's Go To The Mall" or "Sandcastles in the Sand". She sang another song she used to sing on a educational show she did back in Vancouver. I'll tell you more about that later.

1 minute and 30 seconds later

SIMON: Okay, I've enough. That was absolutely dreadful!

ROBIN: What are you talking about Mr. Thicke?

SIMON: It sounded like the voice of a 14 year old. And quite honestly, where did you take singing lesson? At a burlesque theatre? That song was absolutely disgusting!

ROBIN: I took singing lessons in high school! I took master classes with Celine Dion and Bryan Adams! What are you talking about? [she said ah-boot]

SIMON: That song was disgusting. It sounded like something you would sing in a porn movie musical song.

ROBIN: [about to cry] No it isn't, and you know that Alan!

SIMON: For the umpteenth time, I am not Alan Thicke! As I look at you resume, I recall you said you were in journalism, but I don't recall ever seeing you on TV when I'm in New York. I'm beginning to think you host Naked News.

ROBIN: I would never be a journalist on that trash show. It's disgusting and demeaning! I'm a good girl I am! [brushes off tears from her face]

SIMON: I don't think you have what it takes to be a professional singer. Randy, Kara, what do you guys think?

KARA: No, I'm sorry.

RANDY: Sorry, ma'am. No.

SIMON: I'm sorry. Considering that song you did, I think there is a career for you in pornography or on Naked News! There's so much you can do with a microphone, if you know what I'm talking about.

ROBIN: [crying] It's not a porn song, and you know it! You wrote that song! It's a song about friendship, and you're being disgusting! What are you, some sort of a psycho or something? [approaches the table, takes a jug of water and throws the water at Simon's face, then storms out the exit, still crying]

Outside the exit. An interviewer approaches Robin.

INTERVIEWER: So how did the audition go? What happened in there?

ROBIN: [still crying] Alan Thicke was mean to me!

OLDER TED: …and that, kids, is how your Aunt Robin met Simon Cowell

Flashforward to 2030 in Ted's living room. Penny and Luke sit on the sofa, as usual.

PENNY and LUKE: [in unison] What?! That's it?

LUKE: That's the end of the story? That's pretty short.

PENNY: That was mean! How did she get over this? The story cannot just end there!

OLDER TED: [sigh] Okay, I'll tell you what happened afterwards.

[End of Act 2]


	3. Chapter 3

Act 3

Columbia Campus. Ted is walking in his professor garb.

OLDER TED: Later that day Aunt Robin called me from our apartment. She was still crying. To this day I still try to pinpoint what made her sadder, the fact that she did not make the cut or the thought that she was insulted by her 90s friend and mentor Alan Thicke.

Ted's cell phone rings.

TED: [picks up phone] Hi Robin! How did the audition go?

We see a split screen: one half of the screen shows Ted calling from Columbia campus, the other half shows Robin at the apartment crying

ROBIN: Terrible! I didn't make it!

TED: Oh, I'm so sorry.

OLDER TED: I didn't mean it.

ROBIN: [crying] It's worse than that. Alan Thicke was mean to me! Not only did he say I have no talent, he also said I should seek a career in pornography. I don't understand how he could say such a thing. He was my mentor back in Canada during my Robin Sparkles stint. He always encouraged me aim high and never let go of my dreams. He was the one who wrote my recommendation letter, which was key into my getting admission into McGill. He was more like a father figure to me than just a friend. I don't understand how he could hurt me like that.

TED: Oh, Robin. Don't cry! Go dry those tears, take a nice shower, then go to the Hoser Hut. I think that will cheer you up. Look, I have a few more classes to teach. But, I'll see you tonight.

ROBIN: [crying] Thank you, Ted. You're always there for me.

TED: Because you're there for me too. Anyway, cheer up. It will be alright. [ends call, punches another number]

Split screen between Ted and Marshall. Marshall's phone rings.

MARSHALL: Hey Ted, what's up.

TED: [with big grin, laughing evilly] Prank is going as planned. Robin screwed up her audition big time. The whole time, she never realized that Alan Thicke has a doppelganger. You and Lily need to come over to my place to watch the audition on TV. But don't tell her why you're coming, over. She might blow cover and tell Robin. Tell her than Robin and I just invited her for dinner and the audition went great.

MARSHALL: Okay. Got it. See you tonight Ted.

Ted ends call, punches another number

Split screen between Ted at campus and Barney in his GNB office.

Barney's phone rings

BARNEY: Hey, Ted. How did Robin's audition go? Did it suck!

TED: It sure did! The whole time, she thought Simon was Alan Thicke!

BARNEY: [with evil grin] Awesome! What song did she do? "Let's Go To The Mall"?

TED: I don't know. I forgot to ask. I would not be surprised if she did. Anyway, we'll find out tonight. You're invited to my place to see the audition on TV tonight.

BARNEY: Oh, it's gonna be legen…wait for it…dary! I'll be there tonight!

They hang up.

End of Act 3.


	4. Chapter 4

Act 4

Hoser Hut. Robin sitting on the barstool. People are doing karaoke renditions of songs by Canadian-born artists except Robin Sparkles.

OLDER TED: Meanwhile, Robin took my advice and went over to the Hoser Hut. While the waterworks had stopped, one could not just see a look of defeat, but the look of one betrayed.

BARTENDER: What can I get you Robin?

ROBIN: A Labatt please.

BARTENDER: Draft or bottle?

ROBIN: Bottle.

BARTENDER: [hands over a Labatt bottle] That'll be $3.50. [Robin hand over the money] What's the matter Robin? You look kind of sad.

ROBIN: I'd rather not say.

BARTENDER: That architect is treating you alright, is he not?

ROBIN: No, he's fine he's a great roommate. It's sometime else.

BARTENDER: You know what would make you feel better? Sing a song on the stage. I've seen you here soo many times, but I never see you sing. C'mon, it'll make you feel better.

ROBIN: I had a bad singing experience today. Somebody you and I know said I had no talent in music.

BARTENDER: I bet you have more talent than most of those people singing on stage right now! And even if you screw up, we won't make fun of you. Remember, in the end, at this bar you are singing just for fun. Go to the KJ and request to do a song.

20 minutes later

KJ: Great rendition of Gordon Lightfoot's "Sundown". Let's hear it for Jeff Colby from Truro, Prince Edward Island. Now singing for the first time, from Vancouver, British Columbia, here's Robin Scherbatsky. Robin is going to do her rendition of Bryan Adams' "Heaven"!

[applause]

OLDER TED: Somewhere during the middle of the rendition, Alan Thicke entered the bar [enter Alan Thicke] and he was standing in middle of the crowd with a great smile of admiration.

[applause]

KJ: Way to go Robin, with that Bryan Adams rendition! The best I've heard in years!

Robin gets of stage. Alan approaches her.

ALAN: Robin! It's so great to see you after a long time! Great rendition! I know I haven't been here much, you see, I've been helping Michael J. Fox with his campaign for stem cell research and…

ROBIN: [eyes filling with tears] Leave me alone. Please don't talk to me. [runs to a booth]

ALAN: What's the matter? [follows her to booth and seats himself]

ALAN: Robin, what's the matter? Why are you mad at me? [reaches for her shoulder; Robin break down]

ROBIN: You really hurt me this morning! What did I ever do to you that would cause you to say those nasty things about me?

ALAN: What nasty things? I never said I nasty thing to you in my entire life.

ROBIN: You told me I had no talent as a singer. But what hurt even more was that you said that I should go into porn or be a journalist for Naked News. [cries] Are you a psycho or a schizo? Beccause you need serious help.

ALAN: That's a terrible thing to say. I would never say such a thing to you. Hell, I'd never say such a thing to Gloria even if we've been divorced for many years!

ROBIN: Really? [sniffs]

ALAN: Really. You're my 2nd favorite Robin after my son. By the way, where did this happen.

ROBIN: At Lincoln Center.

ALAN: Well, I wasn't at Lincoln Center…wait a minute! Auditions are going on for American Idol right now! Were you auditioning for American Idol?

ROBIN: Yes, I was. [not crying but some tears are still on her cheek]

ALAN: And were you singing my song about friendship, thinking you'd butter me up?

ROBIN: [with an emabarrased smile and red hot cheeks] Yes! How did you figure it out?

ALAN: That was not me. That was my doppelganger, Simon Cowell. He looks so much like me. It's crazy. While the older generation remembers me as the father on "Growing Pains" the younger generation comes to me and says, "Aren't you that obnoxious judge on American Idol?" God, it's annoying!

ROBIN: It must suck big time.

ALAN: Tell me about it. I'm surprised you didn't know that.

ROBIN: I never watched the show before.

ALAN: And your friends didn't tell you this?

ROBIN: No, I think they forgot.

ALAN: Well, if you ever audition again. You know what to expect. Oh, and to be on the safe side, don't sing that song I wrote. You, I, and Leslie Nielsen understand that the song is about friendship and is not supposed to be dirty, but these non-Canucks don't understand for the life of them. I'm sorry you went through all that torture. [hugs her] Come on, let me take you home.

ROBIN: Thanks, Alan.

[They get up and exit the Hoser Hut]

ALAN: By the way your rendition of Bryan Adams is way better than than remix my DJ Sammy…

End of Act 4


	5. Chapter 5

Hallway of Ted and Robin's apartment, 8:10 pm. Robin and Alan Thicke are approaching the front door of Robin and Ted's apartment.

ROBIN: Thank you for walking me home and cheering me up, Alan.

ALAN: Anytime, Robin. That's what mentors are for.

ROBIN: I'm sorry for thinking that you'd ever insult me like that. I should have known you had a doppelganger.

ALAN: It happens. Simon is a tough cookie, but I think if you tried again and sing a Bryan Adams song instead you could make it through several rounds even, even if you don't become a finalist. You could learn a lot from the experience.

ROBIN: Why don't you come in for a second. Ted must be home now. He'd love to meet you; he was a big fan of "Growing Pains" when he was a kid.

ALAN: Oh sure.

Robin opens door. Cut to inside of apartment. Ted, Lily, Marshall, and Barney. They are all watching "American Idol" and not just any segment…but Robin's audition! They don't see or hear Robin enter. They laugh loud.

TED: Huh huh. She thinks Alan Thicke and Simon Cowell are the same person!

BARNEY: Ho ho! That song is so dirty! Simon is right! It should be on a porn soundtrack! And that's definitely every man's fantasy!

MARSHALL: Lily, will you lick my ice cream cone tonight?

LILY: Heh heh, sure Marshall, you know I love your ice cream cone! You were right Ted! Not telling Robin about Simon Cowell really made this hilarious!

BARNEY: [sarcastically] Oh, Robin is going to cry!

MARSHALL: Friendship indeed!

TED: I'd love to see her on Naked News!

LILY: Whoa! She splashed that whole jug of water on Simon!

BARNEY: [imitating Robin] Alan Thicke was mean to me! [normal voice] We are going to be watching this over and over! Did you record this Ted?

TED: Sure did! This is more fun that listening or watching "Let's Go to the Mall"!

Robin's eyes widen and her nostrils flare out. She storms out the door and closes it behind her. Alan Thicke is still in the hallway.

ROBIN: Those snakes! I am going to kill them! How could they trick me like that? OOOOHHHH!

ALAN: Robin, it's okay. Calm down. What about those emperor penguins?

ROBIN: They are adorable. [chuckles]

ALAN: Remember those words of wisdom I told you when you when you were a teenager?

ROBIN: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have the facts of life?

ALAN: Exactly! Now you cannot lose these friends. They were the ones who welcomed you with open arms when you moved to this country. It will be harder to you to make new friends all of a sudden, because I know you to be a very reserved person.

ROBIN: You're right. I'll go back them and forgive them…if they apologize.

ALAN: But wait. You don't have to forgive them right away. They did something really wrong that could ruin your rep as a TV journalist. I think I know a way to teach them a lesson. Come over to my place, and we'll discuss it over some eggs and Canadian bacon.

They walk down the hallway.

End of Act 5


End file.
